Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Old Lock in a Sock Trick

The following is an excerpt from Lookout for Shorts (Prison Memoir of a Drug War Casualty). It is a cautionary and often humorous chronicle of a slacker’s misspent life and comeuppance. This  episode took place in 2012 at a North Carolina minimum security prison.

Anyway, my attitude about joining a new community of cons had evolved by this point. My first three walks into the lion's den were pretty scary, not knowing what to expect and trying to fit in. This time I didn't give a shit−I knew most people don't care about my deal because they had their own shit to worry about. I also intended to keep a low profile to reduce interruptions and keep people from bumming stuff. Perhaps I was already a hardened criminal just over three months into my sentence. In fact, I was almost unfazed by a rather violent conflict, mere steps from my bed.

As I was on my bunk reading and minding my own business an argument broke out, apparently over a poker debt. "Meek Guy” was screwed out of some winnings by "Alpha Guy,” who seemed bored with M.G.'s beef, so he dissed and dismissed the motherfucker. I returned to my book after the two split, assuming the dispute was settled.

In fact, the quarrel wasn’t over at all − not by a swinging sock. About ten minutes later came a concentrated explosion three feet away from me, followed by fallout and dust like a bomb went off. No-so-Meek Guy after all had returned with a remedy for A.G. − a sock with a lock in the toe, and he was swinging it to crack a nigga’s dome. A slight problem emerged for M.G. in the process, however: the seam in the sock gave out as it was whipped around, (nice work, sock-making inmates). The lock shot into the air as if from a cannon, right into a bank of fluorescent lights nearest my bed.

My book (Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying) indeed went flying as I reflexively covered my face from the fallout and wondered what the fuck happened. Sadly, in the commotion I missed the look on M.G.'s face when he realized he no longer wielded a potent weapon, but held a limp sock instead. By the time I looked over there A.G. had home slice in a headlock and was repeatedly ramming it into his bed frame. Several gentlemen finally managed to pry him away as he yelled and screamed to the unconscious lump: "You wanna try me, punk-ass bitch?"

The question was rhetorical, of course, because M.G. was out cold, crumpled in the middle of the walkway. By this time some snitch-bitch had alerted the guards, of course, and soon four were on the scene looking for answers. Remarkably, no one seemed to have noticed any commotion at all, let alone an assault. A.G. had long since slid elsewhere, and all the cops knew was they had what was possibly a corpse in the middle of the floor and powdery shards of fluorescent light fallout everywhere. (I can attest that shit doesn’t come out of a blanket easily.)


The Bedpost Beatdown consequences arrived over the subsequent days, as guys spilled the beans in private so no one would know who was singin'. (I was briefly questioned, but my anonymity on the camp allowed me to claim I was out in the yard at the time.) A.G. ended up in cuffs, sent over to the hole and parts unknown after that, and M.G. landed at the prison hospital in Raleigh with a fractured skull. No word on whether the card debt was settled, but my life at my new home sure was less laid back than my old one.



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