2011 NFL Preview - AFC

2011 NFL Preview!

What with the avalanche of information these days---more specifically regarding America’s favorite sport NFL football---I’ve decided to add to the myriad prognostications one can find almost everywhere. I’m not claiming to be an expert, I’m simply blending all of the prediction info I’ve been absorbing and adding commentary you won’t find anywhere else.. Helpfully, I’m something of a wiseacre, and I have no reason to pull any punches, as I’m not employed or supported by any asses to kiss. I’m shooting from the hip and throwing non-football related things in for the hell or it. (Call me a Simmons rip-off if you want, I don’t care.) Also, I’m guessing as much as any “expert”, because whichever teams survive the longest without key injuries will probably excel, regardless of how shitty their roster may look in the pre-season or how hard their schedule looks. This is a crap shoot. So without further ado, my off-the-cuff musings about each NFL team, whether I have my facts straight or not...

AFC East

Patriots
Always the odds-on favorite in my book simply because Belichick is smarter than most everyone else in the NFL. This isn’t to say he’s a genius, by the way, only that his intellect shines relative to the rest of the league. Let’s face it: if you’re particularly bright, how much time are you going to spend around football at any level in your life, let alone go into coaching? Spending endless, mostly thankless, hours surrounded by a bunch of dumb jocks, usually in challenging weather conditions? Probably not. But I digress... The Patriots have one of the top three QB’s in the league, and a bunch of guys who are buying what Belichick is selling, namely constant runs at the Super Bowl. This kind of shit is infectious, and this season will be no different for the Pats, regardless of how over-the-top annoying Boston fans are. Even a complete meathead, borderline murderer like Albert Haynesworth will sign on.

Jets
Jeff Sanchez is hot. He’s also in NYC. This is why, despite his crappy stats he is sold as being the kind of guy that will take a team anywhere. Tomlinson, (it took me ten years to realize the were two “n’s” in his name instead of one, btw. I can’t be the only one.) was washed up two years ago and I can’t for the life of me figure out how an aging near-legend can be a good apple in the locker room. Especially a guy who has questionable heart to begin with. Plaxico probably has way more left in the tank than the typical 34-yr old receiver because pumping iron in the joint really isn’t quite as taxing as his day job. The Jests will disappoint, and this will allow me a chuckle or two at their fans, who have enough of an inferiority complex as it is.

Dolphins
You may notice I start each of these things by remarking on the quarterback. This is because, besides being the hardest job on earth, it is also by far the most important component to any team’s chances. I mean, it’s insane how important the guy with the back of his hand under the center’s nutsack is. Given this, the Dolphins cannot be taken seriously simply because their signal-caller is Chad Henne. This is a guy who went 0-4 against his arch-rival in college. He appears to be dumb as the day is long, and apparently emotion-free on top of that. ‘Nuff said. Also, any coach with a name that close to Tony Soprano can’t be trusted, not to mention the dude wears sunglasses in a dome. Why not wear your hat sideways while you’re at it, dipshit? Confidence, you do not instill. Oh, and Reggie Bush getting the ball ten times a game and fumlbing twice is the answer, Dolphin fans. Probably. Also, nice job not even selling out your home opener!

Bills
I just reviewed this roster and I recognize about five names, and one of those is because he went to Georgia. Some franchises are ripe to rip on, but I just can’t bring myself to abandon civility in this case. The Bills always suck, and their dedicated fans deserve some slack because they live in a cold version of hell, (although the upstate is a lovely area during the two months that aren’t winter.) Quick riddle: you know why the Canadian side of Niagra Falls is the best? Because you’re looking at America! Fuck yeah. Anyway, at least the Bills have revamped their horrible uniforms---to recall their 70’s “glory” days when although they still sucked, at least they had the Juice. Left’s just thank the Bills for being a necessary whipping boy for franchises that have their shit together and move on.

AFC North

Stillers
I’m not going to lie: I hate the Steelers, which obviously means they’re great---probably the best franchise in NFL history. Pittsburgh is lovely as well, which begs the question: why is everyone I meet from there an asshole? And don’t even get me started on their legions of bandwagon fans.
As for football? They scare the shit out of me. The thought of a bunch of speed in the receiving corps and that absurd linebacking corps makes me shudder. Big Ben, while a supreme douchebag, (complete with the universal symbol: the backwards hat), is a top five QB regardless of his lack of grace. I know one should never root for injuries, but fuck that, and fuck the Steelers. (Ed. note: the author was raised a Browns fan)

Browns
You know you suck when your best player snags the cover of Madden and that’s pretty much the highlight of your (2.0) franchise history. It appears that the front office is finally getting its shit together, although Mike Holmgren may in fact be a retread who isn’t all “that” but simply had everything go his way in Green Bay, so in turn he’s a “name”. So was Butch Davis. Anyway, I always hated Colt McCoy at Texas, and now I have to live with him, so I hate him a little less. He does make shit happen, though, and it will be interesting to see how he progresses this year for the franchise of QB corpses. God knows they have a good break coming their way. Cleveland deserves Payton HIllis and vice versa: he’s a man’s man. Sadly, the NFL screwed Josh Cribbs and the Browns the most with their ridiculous new kickoff rule, so I guess it’s a push regarding whether God in fact hates them. Here’s hoping they get more breaks than not this year, because as usual they’ll need them. By the way---were you aware Bernie Kosar’s daughter is now doing porn? Also, fun fact: The Browns will either have a) a black punter, or b) a white punter who sounds like a black guy (Richmond McGee). You can’t get this shit anywhere else.

Ravens
Another team I loathe, but they obviously deserve respect nevertheless. Even though Art Modell is now out of the picture, I’ll never get over it or forgive the franchise in general, logic be damned.
I’m glad to see Ray Lewis is now two steps slow and counting so he can be knocked on his ass a lot more often. (This will be long-deserved karma for his contrived pre-game act all these years if you ask me. not to mention the murder.) Anyway, I’m still not sold on Flacco, and seeing him try to get by with a slow and old receiving corps may bring me some joy. God knows the Ravens’ plodding style won’t do the trick. And while we’re discussing Baltimore---why did the writers of The Wire never incorporate sports fandom into the scripts? You know a truce settled in the projects on game days. Screw the Ravens---let’s move on.

Bengals
I’m tempted to simply pass by this one out of disrespect for Mike Brown. I just feel bad for A.J. Green, not to mention the fine citizens of Cincy, who are fine innocent bystanders to this travesty. This franchise is exhibit A for the question: who the fuck said that simply being the offspring of someone successful means the success will be continued when they take over?
That’s a cool thing about sports: bumbling owners are exposed for all to see, and truths like being rich and being smart don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. But I digress. The Bengals are a disaster at QB, and unfortunately all this means is the Steelers and Ravens pick up easy wins. Even though this means the Browns will likely benefit from this horrid team in their division, that’s hardly a push in my book.

AFC South

Colts
Peyton is questionable, but then again, so am I. But seriously, this gig has to be just about up, and not a moment too soon if you ask me. I can’t be the only one sick of seeing Manning squawking at the line and going full dork with the photos on the sidelines after every series. This isn’t a man’s man, despite every NFL QB being the modern day equivalent of Mel Gibson in The Patriot. I’m tired of looking at him, and thankfully this team is officially old, they have a coach more over his head than Obama, and they are about to have their asses handed to them. And that’s probably with Manning in the lineup. With Kerry Collins as your backup plan, all bets are off. At least they have a dude named Al Afalava, from Hawaii, of course.

Jaguars
Their coach Jack Del Rio is quite attractive, which brings to mind one of my favorite quotes from writer PJ O’Roarke: “It’s always tempting to impute unlikely virtues to the cute.” I take that to mean that just because someone is good-looking, it doesn’t mean they are necessarily bright, honest, or anything else. Anyway, JDL has a track record of coaching as an idiot might, and that’s not what you’d hope for when you’re trying to win games. The front office also gave a huge contract to a mediocre, (at best), quarterback, and that can’t be good for the morale of those in the locker room with IQ’s above room temperature. Also, their little bowling ball of a running back has too many miles on him and their small market requires the team to tarp off half of the upper deck of their stadium so it doesn’t look like a Marlins game on a goddamn NFL Sunday. This team has less than no shot.

Texans
THIS is the year---we swear! As a Falcon fan, I tend to root against Matt Schaub. Not because he screwed us over or anything, just because of what might have been, despite the fact that we’re set at QB now with Ryan. As always, (lately anyway), they are loaded with talent, but who wouldn’t be when you suck every year. Schaub sneakily adds to the ‘04 QB draft class along with Big Ben, Rivers, and Eli, as a top-quality arm with the smarts to go with it. He may or may not bring the Texans over the hump, but even if he does Houston will still be a godforsaken metropolis. Not only is it nasty sprawl with horrible traffic and even worse humidity, but this is the same place that gave us that goddamn “Luv Ya Blue” era, along with that brutal theme song. This was thirty years ago, and I obviously should be over it, but that’s how bad it was. Anyway, I’d like to see Mario Williams continue to wreck people, just to piss off all the idiots who mocked the Texans for passing on Reggie Bush. Don’t ever let it be said I have no heart.

Titans
The first thing you think of is Jeff Fisher, the dashing former player on the sidelines. He is gone now, replaced by a pretty ugly guy, Mike Munchak. I suspect this change may be the catalyst to place the Titans at the head of this season's AFC South---let's win one for the ugly guy! (This shit is scientific!) Matt Haselbeck assumes the reigns in Music City, and he’ll probably do fine, but not well enough to snake enough wins to get them very far in January. I almost feel bad for their fans, but on the other hand country music sucks and they stole a team from another city, so screw ‘em.

AFC West

Chargers
A classic case of a retread coach who blew it in two other places, so...why not hire him here! I swear there are probably hundreds of high school coaches who could handle the NFL as well as a two-time loser can. I’ll never understand why retreads like Turner exist. Not to mention he still underachieves on the regular, yet still has a job. Go figure. Rivers may or may not be great---I’m still not convinced, and neither are people who’ve bet Chargers Super Bowl futures. All I know is I happened to see him doing one of those cheesy Q&A’s in the back of a magazine once---a hunting magazine. No offense to hunters, but let’s face it: it’s not usually from this group that we find intellects that can effectively dissect NFL defenses. The Chargers also are guilty of letting Darren Sproles go to the Saints, which not only pisses me off as a Falcon fan, but seems downright stupid because that little fucker is a badass. I don’t care what kind of cap problem it may pose, allot your money better and keep a stud, dumb asses. We can assume the Bolts will have another decent year, but it will be hilarious is they whiff on September yet again. And by the way, screw LA picking up this team---take one from a crap city like Jax if you have to.

Chiefs
Not sure you can bet against a team with a guy named Dexter McCluster, not to mention Amara Kamara, who will hopefully make the final 53. Seriously though, I heard a micro-stat the other day: Matt Cassel threw a shitload of “almost” picks last year, i.e. passes that should’ve gone the other way but didn’t. This can’t bode well because this kind of stuff has a way of evening out. I like the Chiefs though, and they have cool fans and a classic old stadium, not to mention nice unis. These long-suffering fans deserve a break, especially given that shit show they have going on across the parking lot from Arrowhead. You gotta figure the home team can finally deliver given their string of years with all the sweet draft picks. The dual SEC defensive backs Berry and Arenas would seem to be a pretty good finish to bolster the defense. But who am I kidding with actual analysis? You can get that a thousand other places.

Broncos
Tebow fell to fourth on the depth chart recently, behind the illustrious former Golden Gopher Adam Weber.This can only mean one thing for football fans: pretty soon we’re going to be relieved of having to hear about this toolbox. (Sorry, but I’m a Gator-hater). Even though I was a Browns fan before the interruption, I still respect the Broncos and their fans. I also encountered Elway once, and he was a cool dude and I’m pretty sure he was stoned. Anyway, he’s at the helm in the front office now, and I’d be somewhat pleased to see the Broncos have some success soon after that egomaniac lunatic Mike Shannahan took off. Unfortunately, I’d be surprised if this squad is the one to make any headway this year. Someone has to suck---and these horses will likely be in that group despite solid UGA connections, young (Moreno), and old (Bailey).

Raiders
Hue (sic) Jackson?? Are you kidding me with this shit? We can assume the guy is a stooge, because no one else would take this job. The only thing good that could come out of this is proving my potential theory that pulling a guy off the street to coach might be a better idea than a war horse proven failure like Turner. This team is too easy to root against, although wishing bad things on the mentallyl, (Al Davis), should be seen as dickish. Any team who loses their best player to free agency with no replacement and is led by Jason Campbell has less than no shot . Campbell is one of those guys who I wish I could’ve “shorted”, like a stock you know will tank, coming out of the draft. After watching him at Auburn, I was stunned that the Redskins were stupid enough to think he was the answer to anything. Then, of course, the Raiders pick him up because, well, what’s left of Al Davis is the only person in the NFL with a lower football acumen than Dan Snyder. Again, watching these guys bumble around with idiotic decisions in front of God and everybody is part of what makes following professional sports so fun. (Not that Godon Gee and Gene Smith don’t provide similar yuks via tOSU, of course) Oh, and Raider fans: you’re not rebels, you’re not clever---you’re losers, and everyone laughs at you. And your stadium is a joke. Raider Nation pffft.

When I get around to it: the NFC rundown...