My Version of Hell!

Hell is typically portrayed in art, movies and literature as a fiery pit inhabited by pitchfork wielding fiends and lorded over by a malevolent crimson demon (i.e. "Satan", "Beelzebub", or "Lucifer", if you will). Those damned to hell are subjected to an eternity of hard-labor grunt work--as Hollywood imagines it, miners have a pretty good idea of what they'd have to do in hell. Rubbish and hogwash, if you ask me.



First of all, I like being warm. Certainly, if I was to go to a hot hell, I would find it quite comfortable--after all, I’ve lived in Georgia for twenty-two years. As far as spending an eternity mining coal...well, that's a pretty good workout and low stress. You certainly don't have to worry about making enough money to pay the rent, and you'll stay physically fit. With regards to Satan, Hell's "father figure", I would just like to point out that my own father used to torture us during dinner with his incessant puns, so I just don't think the Dark Lord could be THAT bad.



So what do I envision for hell? Hell would have to be the embodiment of all that is torturous and inhumane in our world, in other words, a living, breathing Bob Seger song. First of all, hell would be really cold. Oh how I hate being cold. We're talking getting-out-of-bed-early-on-a-December-morning cold. Or getting-out-of-the-shower-in-Ohio-during-Winter-without-one-of-those-heat-lamp-thingys cold.

As far as the labor to which we would be subjected for all of eternity, there can be only one possibility. Hell is having to pack up all of your earthly belongings and moving them by yourself with only a Yugo to transport them across to another cave in hell (okay, okay...during this particular activity, it would be very hot and the Yugo would have no air conditioning). Then, once you got unpacked and settled, you'd have to do it all over again.



In the midst of the cold and all these moves, you would have sports commentators describing the action. Chris Berman making idiot comments in the most annoying voice on either earth or the underworld. Phil Simms inaccurately analyzing action in a fashion devoid of any semblance of wit. Dick Vitale yelling absurdities in a monotone. Lou Holtz slurring his way through nonsense that may or may not have anything to do with the satanic action at hand. You get the idea, and to keep my blood pressure from rising farther, I'll just leave it at that.

In summary, here is what I envision of hell:


1) Cold

2) Constantly having to move while listening to Bob Seger


3) TV Sports color commentators commenting on everything.